When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
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me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Reporter: *ports again*
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.