Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
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A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication