If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
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Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Pretty much. 🤣
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Childbirth is so beautiful
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”