If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
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Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need