My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
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Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Favourite diary entry ever
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.