You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
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As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Fights fire with marshmallows
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?