“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
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It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Scream sneezers need love too.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards