[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
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I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Not today, today.
Not today.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”