Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
You Might Also Like
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Oh my god
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon