ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
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I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
The human personality is made of five key elements
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.