💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
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I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Try and stop me.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.