Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
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Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
This probably isn’t good
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.