IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
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The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
i can’t wait that long
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY