ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
You Might Also Like
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
He wanted to make sure😂
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Me if I was a dog
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.