Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
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I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…