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The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
🐕🍷
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.