I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
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Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
this is the best day of my life
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn: