Well. That’s not a good sign.
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doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Not today
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?