I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
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Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms