American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
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I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.