Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
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Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Ovenable?
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one