[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
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I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking