My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
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Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Support your local cemetery
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing