*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 馃檨
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Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
if a cop pulls u over play dead
My jeans aren鈥檛 too small, they鈥檙e my compression pants.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what鈥檚 his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.