Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
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Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*