Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
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[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.