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website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Brands during Pride
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.