I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
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Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.