My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
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My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you