Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
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Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Carpe DM
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
All excellent questions
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
You can’t outrun your problems…
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.