Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
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Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Me when my alarm goes off
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”