[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
You Might Also Like
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.