I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
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husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?