This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
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Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
I hope it’s French Onion!
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.