Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
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*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
When your man makes a valid point
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it