“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
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*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
*launders Kohls cash*