KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
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Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?