Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
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“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
“The Perfect Relationship”
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas