If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
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dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”