I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
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Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
NASA has no chill
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office