I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
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My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.