Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
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Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
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