*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
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Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Cake safety first. Always.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”