My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
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My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse