ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
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I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost