You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
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One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Storm Tropical Storm
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it