Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
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Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.