Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
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Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
A leaf blower, but for people.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you