Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
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[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.