You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
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Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
He wanted to make sure😂
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.